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Items by Mark Crook
International Bicycle Thief
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I HAVE MOVED
Posted: April 23rd, 2007, 11:52am BST by Mark Crook
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I rest my case
Posted: January 23rd, 2007, 4:30am GMT by Mark Crook
I refer you all to my post from February 2005 and I say again Jade Goody
Oh dear oh dear oh dear ....
Maybe now someone will give me a job as a celebrity pundit ....
Although I doubt it.
UK Podcasters Association
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Subscriptions
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 9:59am BST by Mark Crook
I was asked to explain the reasons why individual members of the UKPA need to pay £36.00 per year membership.
1 : Lobbying
The UKPA is a fledgling organisation with new podcasters requesting to join every day. We envisage that by Christmas our membership will represent at least half of the serious podcasters in the country. Our members will expect the UKPA to actively research, lobby and protest any new and draconian legislation that will be introduced by any governmental or official body that seeks to licence or impede the progress of this new communication. This will have financial implications as we will need to canvas membership and run a campaign office with administrative staff that will not always include volunteers.
2 : Credibility
Anyone can form a club, its easy, you get two or three people that do the same thing and say "lets form a club" - The UKPA represents and protects the interests of UK podcasters. Membership entitles you to use that when you are making your own headway in the podcasting community. It gives you credibility as a podcaster and proves that you are committed to the medium and will not just treat podcasting as a five minute wonder, producing one or two podcasts and then dropping it, as has happened in the blogging community, this will cloud the podcasting arena for genuine podcasters. The UKPA badge represents a sign of quality and gives gravitas to you as a podcaster.
3 : Association
As a group the UKPA can affiliate itself to larger and more established bodies that have a huge amount of clout in the new media arena. This way, by default, we have more muscle. Becoming members of quality organisations of course costs money and as we are a democratic organisation we will inform and request feedback from our membership as to what bodies we join.
4 : Community
Podcasting can be a solitary business as it is a fledgling medium. By becoming a member you become part of the ever increasing podcast "family" and can identify other family members through the display of the UKPA badge.The UKPA will be organising meetings, forums, seminars and conferences where members can meet, exchange ideas, find out about new innovations and discuss issues.
If any member would like to add reasons, argue against or make suggestions then please do not hesitate to comment on this blog, or email the UKPA at : members[at]ukpodcasters[dot]org[dot]uk
Thank you
Mark Crook
Treasurer, UK Podcasters Association
International Bicycle Thief
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Cinema du Lyon Podcast Five
Posted: September 15th, 2006, 5:21am BST by Mark Crook
Enclosure: [download | play]
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The Brothers of the Head
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 2:35am BST by Mark Crook
I loved the book. Brian W Aldiss is a fantastic writer of science / real fiction.
I am waiting for the film with an eagerness that I haven't felt for a long time
Watch the trailer here
... and hello Steve, Nice to talk on your birthday ... I google earthed your location and I now know where you live. It looks great.
I will be there soon.
I love you too xxx -
Cinema du Lyon podcast number four
Posted: March 20th, 2006, 2:24am GMT by Mark Crook
Finally it's here ... and believe me the wait was worth it.
download it from HERE or go to Odeo and get it there, or best of all go to the Cinema du Lyon website and hear it streamed, plus listen to more tracks on the Cinema du Lyon virtual jukebox -
Your just fluffy
Posted: March 16th, 2006, 3:17am GMT by Mark Crook
hmmmm.... -
The Sluts
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 11:12pm GMT by Mark Crook
A new and exciting Blog from the star that is James Jackson Monroe, Guitarist and songwriter in the mega group that is The Sluts -
Odeo for Cinema du Lyon
Posted: February 7th, 2006, 8:27pm GMT by Mark Crook
Apparantly this is the best way to claim the podcasts for Cinema du Lyon through Odeo
My Odeo Channel (odeo/d1558414a5464752)
So there we go -
So anyway ...
Posted: January 19th, 2006, 6:10am GMT by Mark Crook
the train stopped at Streatham Common ... it wasn't supposed to stop at Streatham Common, but it did.
It waited for five minutes before the driver crackled onto the intercom.
"There's a gas leak in Battersea, so I have to wait here ...
any passengers that want to get off to stretch their legs or to have a cigarette, please do so"
That of course is a sign, it means, this could take a while. So I wait.
twenty minutes go by and nothing.
More crackling intercom.
"I am being told that this could be a while, so any passengers who need to make alternative arrangements
...ohh
hang on"
So I hang on.
Along with everyone else.
All through this episode there is an extraordinarily irritating girl on the telephone, very loud, speaking absolute nonsense to another immensely irritating girl on another train, probably also stationary due to the enforced inability in gaining a passage through the toxic miasma that is Battersea.
Now under normal circumstances, this person would be tolerable, everyone knowing that the maximum amount of time that we had to spend listening to the imbecilic blatherings of this complete dullard, would be a mere ten minutes, tops.
But.
Sitting at Streatham Common, with no sign of a conclusion.
I am chewing the carpet already.
I want to stand up and scream "SHUT UP!"
I want to jam the mobile that she is croaking into up her arse, and I want the man sitting next to me to hold her legs apart while I do it, and I want the russian girl opposite me (don't ask I just know) to batter her with her own arm, the one was ripped off by the older man sitting next to her ...
We all feel it now, that killing feeling ...
and I bet its the same on the other train, with the other girl, at the other god-forsaken station they are stuck on.
I have to get off ...
the feeling is so strong that I barge,
then I'm on the platform, making decisions,
about getting a bus, then a tube.
I'm nearly off the platform
Shouts from the Guard
"Everyone back on, the train is able to leave"
So I leap back on, into a quiet carriage, sedate even, prepared to continue this nightmare. The train moves away and the crackle comes back ...
"Due to the gas leak at Battersea we will be terminating at Clapham Junction"
fuck -
short recollection
Posted: January 18th, 2006, 12:12am GMT by Mark Crook
I am washing up and I'm thinking ...
I once shared, and co-owned, a house in Mayfield.
The situations that lead up to the purchase of this property and the person with which I undertook this responsibility are not for now, so lets move on.
Mayfield is a charming village in East Sussex boasting, at the time, eleven or so pubs. We were fortunate enough to inhabit an idyll right next door to one, with a typical name, The Railway Arms, and I can definitely say for certain that we became locals within two months.
I have nothing but fond memories of this house, whose address I can't remember, so its a crying shame that I was too immature to appreciate it.
There were moments.
I had a beautiful bedroom at the top of the house, sorry, I haven't explained the place have i, well, this is from memory dating back eighteen years.
The house was a right-hand semi-detached property with a small lane running down by the right-hand side. It comprised three floors, Entrance hall leading to a kitchen at the back and a living room at the front. Two bedrooms and a bathroom on the middle floor and the final bedroom, mine, at the top.
I lived there for at least eighteen months and for at least three quarters of that time I was completely happy, not just getting along happy, completely happy.
Why didn't I see that.
There are at least twelve really good stories wrapped around this time.
But that is also for another time.
washing ups done ... -
how are ya ?
Posted: December 22nd, 2005, 6:38am GMT by Mark Crook
"Hello mate, how are ya ?"
"Yeah I'm all right"
"Good ! ... and how's the band going ?"
"Yeah, its going all right at the moment"
"Good, good (nods) ... good ... done any gigs lately ?"
"Yeah, a couple ... you know .... the usual ... they were all right"
"Any reaction at all ?"
"Yeah ... the reaction ... yeah, it was all right"
"So ... you went down well"
"Well ... we went down all right"
"all right ?"
"Yeah all right"
"OK ... So your all right then?"
(nods) "Yeah ... Yeah ... I am ... (pauses to drink beer) ... all in all ... I'm all right"
" ... the wife ?"
"She's all right"
".. and the kids ?"
"They are definitely all right !"
"Good ... Well I'm glad your all right, and it's all going all right ... good to see you mate ... its been a long time"
"Yeah"
"Nice to catch up ... "
"Yeah"
"Well ... see you later ... "
"Yeah, all right" -
The Xmas Pod
Posted: December 17th, 2005, 3:33am GMT by Mark Crook
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Thinking about Mum
Posted: December 8th, 2005, 2:26am GMT by Mark Crook
Its been eight years today.
December 7th 1994.
I still miss her
X -
Marcel
Posted: December 6th, 2005, 5:10am GMT by Mark Crook
Here is a picture of Rosies new puppy ...
She called him Marcel
I wonder why ? -
PLEASE !!!!!
Posted: November 5th, 2005, 2:49am GMT by Mark Crook
Fuck off with your cocksucking spam about fucking steroids. I DO NOT want to look like some "pumped up to within an inch of my life" arsehole, with a tiny, tiny penis and a really bad attitude, searching, oh so desperately, for a blond vacuous shag.I do not have a complex about whether or not I am the "best in show" and I certainly DON'T want to pick up 350 KG in a clean and jerk. Get a fucking life, chill the fuck out and for god sakes take some decent drugs! -
Pure as the driven snow
Posted: September 29th, 2005, 2:49am BST by Mark Crook
So, drug free ....
the premise is that throughout your life you have avoided all chemical interaction. Never once taken a headache cure, or cold remedy. Never had the pleasure of multi-vitamins and cough medicine. Never sneaked a toke on the youth club spliff. avoided all amphetamines and caffeine based pick me ups at college, avoided all psycho active pleasure drugs on nights out. Never, ever considered snorting cocaine and, god forbid, someone might actually suggest that opiates are the way forward. Plus, the pain killer is not an option, the tranquilliser is unnecessary , and the anabolic steroid is facile.
Twenty Bensons and a pint of Stella ....
I am addicted to life
Pass the duchy pon the left hand side
rack em up
and show me the photos -
Cinema du lyon
Posted: May 5th, 2005, 7:23pm BST by Mark Crook
The Cinema du lyon site has been updated and is looking for all the world a fabulous piece of folly ...
Full of mystery and intrigue ...
Sign up to join the movement -
Sticking it to them
Posted: April 29th, 2005, 4:54pm BST by Mark Crook
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
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Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have. now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
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I'm back ...
Posted: April 28th, 2005, 4:55pm BST by Mark Crook
Enclosure: [download]
Hello y'all, I'm back from outer space, having been on my usual four week abduction exchange. I get to stay with a lovely family of mescqaloids and their son gets to stay in my house. It works quite well apart from the smell ... mescqaloids tend to kick up a bit due to the composition of their skin, mainly sulphur and ammonia based sweat glands. So I normally have to wash the sheets when I get back.
Loads has happened while I've been away ...
Good things
New Order have bought out a fantastic new album
Waiting for the sirens call
The Engineers are a brilliant new band worth catching
The Engineers official site
The government have called an election,
get all the facts at Five.org the only place for independent coverage
or pick up the RSS feed here
Cinema du lyon has a new podcast ready for you to download now
visit the site here
or pick up the RSS feed here
Bad things
Jade Goody has the same face and it is plastered everywhere for no apparant reason
and Chelsea are going to win the league
Laters -
The puritan work ethic
Posted: March 12th, 2005, 2:45am GMT by Mark Crook
Thought I'd write a really good blog today ...
loads of ideas floating about ...
lots of shit I wanted to get off my chest ...
slag a few people off ...
rant about some stuff ...
sat down and thought ...
I can't be arsed
I'll do it tomorrow
Then I thought ....
NO!
Tomorrow I've got far too much other shit to be doing ...
Can't waste my valuable time on thinking about writing this shit when I have so much other shit to do ...
So lets do it now ...
Well in a minute ...
First I have to order a Curry, not to hot, don't fancy hot tonight, with all the shit I've got to do the last thing I want is to be having more shit to do, literally speaking ...
Now then ...
lets ...
Hang on
Currys turned up
That was fucking quick, even by their standards
Wait
Maybe it was me, staring into space thinking about all the shit I was going to write ...
and all the shit I have to do ...
and how the hell I'm going to get it all done ...
yep its hot
not too hot tho'
so ...
oh fuck it I'll do it tomorrow -
OK !! I don't want to know HELLO !!!
Posted: February 28th, 2005, 5:53pm GMT by Mark Crook
It seems to me that when I have an opinion about a celebrity that I get quite a lot of feedback ... So I will continue
Now then
Brian MacSaddam and Kerry Keytosis
I want to know why, why WHY !!!!
He is just a Brian and like all Brians just behaves like a Brian ... He has no describable appeal, the charisma of a Tetse fly and a voice that is no better than a japanese Karaoke star ... Oh and he must have an excellent pair of beer goggles.
I have clocked some great Delta wannabe's at my local B&Q so he has at least taken a step up from the monster that was Mrs MacShaton.
Was she in the Bogey babes or was it ectopic kit off ?
Has she actually contributed to society at any level ? ...
and is she trying to outdo Jade Goody in the munter stakes 'cos its a toss up
Jade Goody ... now don't get me started on that worthless piece of shit or I'll be at it all day
Anyway it saddens me that good trees are being cut down, pulped and processed just so we can get a glimpse of Kerry Katatonia showing us her arse, Brian 'Big' Mac Gibbon sporting this weeks facial growth and Jade Shoddy gurning outside a supermarket with sixteen brats under each arm
... Surely this is an excellent advert for eugenics -
Mans best friend ...
Posted: February 19th, 2005, 1:21am GMT by Mark Crook
I smell better
hear more
Don't have to do fuck all
except
Eat sleep and shit ...
There you are, looking like a dog, going off in your dog-tooth jacket, feeling like the dogs bollocks. You fancy doing a bit of dogging, finding your bitch, heavy petting, doing it doggie style. So you have a sniff around, make sure your not in the dog-house, on the hunt, take the lead, give your puppy dog eyes, hound, beg, howl at the moon, don't shit on your own doorstep and Shake a leg. I've got a bone to pick about this dogs life, I bark out some orders, I am the dog with two cocks, on heat, hot to trot, keep me on a short leash, I chase that ball, I reach that lamp-post, running boxer-style.
Good boy.
How low can you go ? (about a Chihuahua)
Now give me something to eat ... -
Decked up
Posted: February 9th, 2005, 5:09pm GMT by Mark Crook
Just for a change I am not going to rant ... Yes she has been spread all over the media like a small Tsunami all week but ... well ... she is bloody brilliant though. I know as an occupation it ranks in importance alongside the numpties that try to cram themselves into minis to get into the Guinness book of pointless, but she is one brave and determined cookie ... and like all skilled and gifted explorers she has made the whole enterprise look, dare I say it, exciting and easy.
Right now, stuck behind a desk, I yearn for a spell on the open seas, so I applaud Ellen, dame of the ocean, Captain Nemess.
The only thing I'd like Ellen to do on her next voyage ...
Use Pete Doherty as an anchor
(you will of course notice that I have used no references to 'the horn' 'seamen' 'wind at my back' 'spray on my face' or any other rude and defamatory nautical expressions in this missive ... out of respect) -
Silent but not so deadly
Posted: January 31st, 2005, 9:58pm GMT by Mark Crook
Right ...
So I need to get Broadband at home for myself and the missus. I phone up BT to get one of my lines changed over from NTL (thats 'Not Too Lively') to a BT (thats 'Bill'em Twice) line so that the missus' company can pay for the broadband ...
this is all no problem
Today is the day when an engineer is booked to turn up and do all the necessary stuff, apparently, according to the telephone bod this will involve a five minute visit at no charge ...
great
Its ten a.m and I am just about to leave the house for the office and the mobile goes. "Hello its the BT engineer ... I'll be with you in ten minutes" "Fine I'll hang on" ... I'm hanging on to ask him some pointless questions about broadband that I already know ... just to make sure ...
this is also tickety boo
I am standing just six feet from my front door with my coat on, chatting with number one, occasionally glancing out of the window to check on Mr BT's arrival ...
Twenty minutes goes by and I decide that I can wait no longer so I make to go and to my utter shock and surprise I find an apology slip from BT saying "I am sorry but we called and you were out, please arrange another convenient time when our engineer will call back"
I was of course slightly miffed at this and call BT back to bollock them ...
the engineer is now at my house drilling holes in my walls and generally making a nuisance of himself because it isn't a five minute job after all ...
Lets look at it from the BT blokes point of view ... I did and this is what I came up with ...
"Its monday morning and I slept a bit late, so I didn't get any breakfast and had to dash out for my first job at 8.15 am ... did that, and the next one, its 10.15 am and I am now a bit hungary, all right I'm fecking starving ... I arrive at my next customer and have a quick recce. Shit, it 's not a five minute job at all, I have to get up a pole, fit some wires, drill a hole, fit a box, check it all and clean up, thats going to take at least two hours, it'll be lunchtime before I'm done.
I know what I'll do, I'll use the Ninja tactical operations move I learnt at BT engineers college, you know, its page 233 in the BT How to manual. pull into the street , park slightly up the road so they can't see me from the window, change into my all terrain black ninja fatigues and black kung fu slippers, then advance on the property holding my pre-prepared apology slip tucked into my red 2nd dan ninja sash ...
I move silently, like a cat, poised to make my move, I crouch down on my haunches and creep to the front door, and with all the dexterity that years of experience have taught me, I gently prise open the letterbox, and with no more than a soft flutter the slip nestles on the mat and I am gone, back into the shadows and away. 10.20 am and I am in the cafe, tucking into a full english ..."
Shame that at 10.40 am he was hoisted out of the cafe and onto a job, you know, the one he gets FUCKING PAID FOR !!! -
Things I learnt today 14th Jan 2005
Posted: January 14th, 2005, 11:05pm GMT by Mark Crook
ts a really bad idea to dress up as a nazi if your third in line to the throne of England even if you only did it after seeing pictures of other members of your family in similar costume.
Labi Siffre's rare album 'Remember My Song' has the killer track 'I Got The...', which has a huge break sampled by, among others, Eminem on 'My Name Is...' Checking out the credits on the album, I noticed that bass and guitar players where none other than Chas Hodges and Dave Peacock, popular english session musicians at the time. That meant that one of the fattest bass breaks in hiphop was played by a member of the oft-derided cockernee novelty act Chas & Dave ... and we supported them, does that make us cooler than cool ... SHAMOWN !!!
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the bible was a cat ... although I challenge anyone to tell me in what book of the new or old testament there is mention of a hamster ... or a gerbil ... or a guinea pig
when a fleas got an itch, what's it scratching ?
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Things I learned today - 13th Jan 2005
Posted: January 13th, 2005, 11:41pm GMT by Mark Crook
The Epic of Gilgamesh is, perhaps, the oldest written story on Earth. It comes to us from Ancient Sumeria, and was originally written on 12 clay tablets in cunieform script. It is about the adventures of the historical King of Uruk (somewhere between 2750 and 2500 BC).
how many beans make five ...
thats a bean a bean half a bean half a bean a bean a bean
To change an i pod battery you only have to part with 35 quid
to change over from NTL to BT you need the NTL account number
My powerbook "Pismo" is a work of Satan
The Ocean Rooms has been gutted and it will look funky when it re-opens on the 27th Jan.
Death sucks ...
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His majesty is coming ...
Posted: December 21st, 2004, 7:10pm GMT by Mark Crook
The best thing about Christmas is looking forward to all the great things that may happen in January. Well next year I will be going to see the master Mr Julian Cope. He is gracing us with his presence on January 21st at The Royal Festival Hall and I, along with a few thousand other devotees, will be there. It is close to my birthday (always depressing) and will serve to cheer me through another notch on the life stick. I have carried this mans music with me since the late 70's and he has consistantly surprised, frustrated, thrilled and entertained me in that time. Cope is like your intellectual, slightly mad friend who does things that you wish you had the balls to do. Musically he has had some stella, sublime, brilliant moments and a good deal of self-indulgence, as a performer he is unique, captivating and charismatic. I want 'Trampoline' played at my funeral and I'm glad I've got Julian in my life ...
